It's so easy to put information out on a blog, or tell people when things are going so well during a weight loss journey.  It is much harder to tell people where you struggle or how you cheat the system.  I finally poured out my feelings to Sandra that I've been dealing with the past month or so.  This journey has gotten progressively harder but it's amazing when you realize how much other areas of your life really affect your weight.

   I have been cheating.  It is so easy to cheat, as anyone knows who has ever tried to lose weight.  It starts with the thought that, "It's just a little piece of brownie" or "It's ok if I overdo it just a little bit tonight.  After all we are celebrating or we're hanging out with friends."  With a band, you can't just allow a conscious slip up though.  You have to choose it.

   One of Sandra's new favorite things is the s'mores dessert pizza from Papa Murphy's.  They had it at Valentine's Day and told me that it was a temporary thing for the holiday.  Here we are in mid-April and they still have it.  She loves it and so do I!  It is relatively cheap at $4 and one of the few desserts that we both equally enjoy.  The problem is that for me to enjoy it, at least in the amounts I want to, I have to drink water while I'm eating it to force food through the band.  Otherwise, it does its job and makes me feel full.  I know how to cheat the system, and if there is something I like to eat, I WILL cheat the system.

   It is hard to explain how it feels when you have to cheat.  If you've ever had hiccups that were pretty strong and had to drink, you get that feeling like there is somehow a huge piece of food trapped and you can feel it sort of forcing its way through your stomach.  Maybe that's just me.  Anyway, that is what it feels like.  There is something that doesn't want to go through and when you take a drink and swallow slowly, you feel a lot of internal pressure on your stomach and it hurts to go through.  Once it is through, there is now room to continue eating.

   I've found myself lately in a place where I allow other frustrations to influence my desire for food, because food makes me feel better.  Whether it is dealing with financial struggles because my salary isn't quite enough to cover everything, or dealing with a child who is incredibly rude to a really good friend, or one that whines about having to do homework.  Whatever it is, there is always some excuse for me to eat.  I told Sandra all this last night and asked her to not want s'mores pizza for a while.  I asked her to not want to eat out, because if I run to grab something for us, I'll probably find an excuse to grab something extra that I don't need.  I asked her to help me get back on top of not drinking anything during my meals.

   It can't be her decision though.  I will be 31 in a month and need to be a man and learn to take a stand.  I need to make better choices for myself, or this whole process will have been a waste of time.  I need to teach my kids that external circumstance should not dictate how we live our lives.  I want better for myself and for my family. Sorry this is so long, but thanks for listening.